Resident on the labor floor: “You can sit there and study or whatever.”
I spent my first day of clerkship year learning how to properly change a diaper in the Well Baby Nursery. I was so slow at it that the baby started pooping all over its clothes/blanket. A truly humbling experience. I described that day in my journal as “yucky but fulfilling.”
5 year old boy, proudly: “I brush my teeth 5 times a day.”
Mom, not as proud: “Don’t lie.”
Me talking to a mom on my first clinical rotation, first day of outpatient peds: “Umm, so what does your doctor typically ask you about your baby? It’s my first day. I guess, is it pooping?”
There was a 17 year old boy on the outpatient schedule at Karabots, and I was excited because I had never taken a real SSHADESS history before. Turns out that the patient was barely verbal and still wore diapers; his parents answered most of the questions during the interview. I learned to never make assumptions based on age that day.
Me: *Spends 30 minutes examining a kid who possibly has strep throat without putting a mask on*
Attending: *Puts on mask as soon as she steps in the room*
Then my throat immediately started feeling scratchy.
Our apneic neonatal simulation session was kind of a hot mess. To be fair, it was our first clinical rotation. Baby’s breathing? Call a code! Baby’s apneic? Let’s chill, take the rest of the vitals. I didn’t even know if it would have a rectum for me to put a thermometer into.
Resident at cribside: “This is a vibrator. It vibrates to make the baby happy… *blushes* you know what I mean!”
I once saved my attending’s life by catching a toy block that a 6 year old had thrown slightly off target. He put my hand-eye coordination to the test and also helped me get honors, I think.
One of my patients came to the ED smelling like urine and feces, accompanied by her boyfriend. My attending’s comment was, profoundly, “Love is anosmic.”
EM resident conversation:
“I always wanted to taste normal saline to see, like, how salty it is.”
“We should do that, like, today.”
Pathologist: “I hate it when the tissue is still warm.”
In the middle of a C-section, the scrub tech (a non-OB scrub tech) loudly said “Is my replacement here? I haven’t had lunch and I’m starving!” I could hear the barely controlled rage in the attending’s voice when she reminded the scrub tech that the patient was awake and we were all hungry.
Overheard on urology:
“We’re goin’ in dry, we don’t need no lube.”
“I’m saving his manhood.”
“Back in the 80s, we used to make $500,000 and we were really rich. Now we make that and we’re not really rich anymore.”
“We can’t pull you aside for pimping anymore, it is the ‘me too’ era after all.”
Intern: “Interns are just glorified secretaries.”
Me, after going over my presentation with psych resident and putting my faith in him: “So in conclusion, I think that he likely has an exacerbation of PANDAS.”
Attending, clearly annoyed: “So you think he has an exacerbation of a rare disease that is only documented in children as opposed to something like NMS?”
Me: “…Yes?”
Resident: *silence*
Me, doing a neuro exam: “I’m just going to take a look at your legs now.”
Patient: “Ahh, your hands are so cold!”
Me: “Sorry… so does the temperature of my hands feel the same on both legs?”
Attending: “Can you lift this leg up off the bed?”
Elderly patient: *lifts leg all the way up until it is straight up in the air*
Attending, laughing: “Wow, were you a dancer?”
Patient: “Yes, how did you know?!”
As I’m examining the ears of a 6-year-old boy, he says, “Can you stop breathing on me?”
Me: “You want me to stop breathing?”
Him: “Yes.”
Same 6 year old boy during the abdominal exam: “This is kind of creepy.”
Patient, when asked if she was being hurt or abused: “My 2 cats at home, they abuse me. They take up over half of the bed and only give me this much space to sleep!”
Delivering the placenta is probably the bloodiest part of a spontaneous vaginal delivery. I once got sprayed with blood on my bare arm after delivering a placenta and thought “gross, but badass.”
After undergoing a D&C/hysteroscopy, the patient was woken up, immediately looked the anesthesiologist in the eyes and said “You suck at your job.” She didn’t realize that the procedure was over and thought that the anesthesiologist had failed to put her to sleep. Once she realized, she was profusely apologetic and wanted to write an apology on letterhead.
I think I really scared the family of a patient when I asked them if she had a history of a rare tumor called a glucagonoma; they had no idea what I was talking about. I had seen it listed as a problem in the chart and thought, “huh that’s strange, better investigate.” Later, I realized someone definitely meant to enter “glaucoma” into the chart instead. She was on many eye drops. Never trust the EMR.
— Alanna Ticali
Alanna Ticali is a member of the Class of 2021 at the Perelman School of Medicine.
Image by Tracy Du, an MS2 at the Perelman School of Medicine.
